I'm still in shock

It's been a couple of months since the revelation and I still find myself in shock and disbelief. When you've been with someone for 18 years, you'd think you knew how your spouse would react to situations. I'm in disbelief that my husband would abandon me, with no sense of remorse of the affair, and actually try to make me feel I'm at fault because I protected my self in filing for divorce. It's twisted and it makes me feel sick. I'm grieving and going thru many stages simultaneously. There is a part of me that wants to ring his balls to the wall and the other have of me can't believe he would do this to me. I do love this man. I can't pin point in this moment to rationalize this thought, but all I can say it has to do with being together for 18 years.



There is so much history between us and now it is if I have never known this man before. He has already admitted to the affair but he now wants to say that I condone it for the first five days. This man must be smoking crack. I'm so insulted and once again I can't believe he would stoop to this point. There is no shame what so ever.

My D-Day

I've taken on the term "D-Day" to represent the day my husband told me of the affair. . The "D" can mean so many things...Death, Divorce, Destroy, Disgust, Despicable. I can vividly remember how my body felt as soon as the words were coming out of his mouth. I had a huge rush of heat run through my chest and up into my face, I thought I could faint and so I ran into the bedroom. My immediate reaction was, "How could you do this the night before my birthday"? It made the moment all the more sureal. Who does that? Right?

I started wailing so hard and loud that I literally began to throw up. There's only been one other time when I cried like that and that's when my mother passed away. It's a guttural sound and no matter what, theres no kind of consolatory words that can take away the pain at that moment.

Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep that night, as a matter of fact, I didn't sleep for the next 38 hours. My mind was traveling a million miles a minute. It's funny how you know your life to be one way and then in a skinny minute it takes a turn into unchartered territory. Where's my compass? What the hell do I do now? I love my husband but I hate him. How could he do this to me? What did I do wrong to make him stray? What kind of combat zone am I in? I couldn't see through the dense heavy fog and so I had to wait for four days until the " tough love calvary" came to my rescue. That story will have to wait until next time....

First Blog Ever

It was suggested to me today that I should consider creating a blog. I've really got a lot on my mind lately and writing these thoughts down will be theraputic for me. I'm separated from my husband Patrick because he committed adultry. To make the revelation of this news extra special, my husband confessed to me on the eve of my birthday. He didn't really have much of a choice since he was fired from his job that day because of the affair. To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. I had a life with this man for 18 years and the realization of adultry still stuns me to this day.


Today marks two months since my birthday and some of my friends would say I've made leaps and bounds in dealing with my crisis. On many levels, I'm still in shock, and so when people give me props for my actions, I actually question it and say , "Really? You think I'm doing a good job?". Until I can get to current day, I'm going to re ash my ordeal in written words. For now, I need to go to sleep for tomorrow is another day......